I wish it was easy to explain my need for solitude to people. It’s not. There is something in me that NEEDS to be alone for me to completely and fully recharge. And I don’t mean just going in another room and being by myself to watch TV or read for a bit. I mean completely, 100%, alone with zero interaction, zero responsibilities and as many walls or as much space as possible between me and ANY other human being (or pet) – for a few days.
I think I’m finally starting to understand this part of myself, and you may think it’s all just new-age-mumbo-jumbo-whatever. That’s okay. You’re free to believe what you want. I’m sure there’s science to back this up, but I’m not going to dig into all of the specifics of how this works right now. You know how to use Google as well as I do. If you’re interested, feel free to look it up. I know it’s real, because I’ve experienced it in my life and it affects everything I do.
Let me try to explain.
We are made of energy. We all give off energy and we all take energy from others. Some people give off positive energy and some give off negative energy and most days we live with a wild combination of both. Our energy can change depending on our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, how much pain we’re in or how excited we are about life.
Positive people I call givers.
Negative people I call takers.
Most of us can only be around takers for so long and then we must take a break and get away. They’re upset, hurt, angry and complaining all the time! The world is out to get them. At their worst they can, quite honestly, suck the life out of any room they’re in and they typically feed off the energy of everyone else in that room. You know the kind of person I’m talking about. We’ve all met them.
Givers, on the other hand, are the ones who lift the energy of the room. Everything seems to be brighter and life just seems better when they’re around. As soon as you see them, a smile spreads across your face. They are the encouragers, the ones that are always happy to see you! They are the grateful and continuously joyful people in your life. Deep down, I think we all want to be givers, don’t we? We want others to feel better when we’re around.
Well, for me, I feel others’ energy, (positive or negative) quite intensely at times, and constantly. I don’t know how to turn this off. The larger the crowd, the more I feel it. When the energy is positive, giving energy, this is fine. I can handle the crowd. For example, I love going to church and I love concerts! The energy is, for the most part, positive and uplifting and I feed off that. But when there’s an abundance of negative energy around, for example at shopping malls during Christmas season, I can’t be around that type of energy for more than a few minutes or it seriously affects me. It drags me down and wears me out, quickly.
The only way for me to get a break from this constant bombardment of energy is to be completely, 100% alone.
Separate.
Away from others, as far as I can get.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t love my family and friends and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be around people. I like people, for the most part, and maybe this is what I struggle with most. I feel that if I take time away, I’m abandoning them. I’m not there for them, to show them my love by taking care of them. I’ve learned that I show love to others by giving them my energy and when I do this for too long, or I allow others to continuously take from me without giving back, I’m left empty and depleted. Feeling like a worn-out rag. And it takes time and space, alone, for me to build that energy back up.
Why did I want to write about this today? Probably because I’m feeling a little worn out right now. This is what’s on my heart and has been bubbling to the surface of my mind lately. I haven’t had that sort of time and space to myself since Easter and honestly, I’m starting to feel the effects again. Yes, I’ve had vacations and weekends away camping and we’ve been doing lots of fun summer things. For most people, that would be enough of a break to get them back into the game with a refreshed outlook. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve appreciated these breaks, I’m grateful for them, but they don’t fill me the same way that alone time does. Typically, vacations are spent with people, travelling along-side or being around (sometimes hundreds of) other people at festivals, campgrounds, beaches, ect. They are fun times, for sure. But for me, it’s just not the same.
I need my alone time.
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