Living my best life

This morning I woke up pondering the difference between being restful and being lazy. It’s Saturday, so naturally I slept in – but the guilt eventually got to me and I hauled myself out of bed. It wasn’t even 9:00 yet! But there were things to do and heaven forbid that I give myself a little extra rest.

The older I get the more I realise that I need this peaceful, quiet, restful time in order to feel good and keep the anxiety at bay. More than most people! But I have this lingering label from my childhood that sticks with me and I often find myself fighting it in my mind.

“You’re so lazy!”

I’ve started questioning that label when I catch myself using it. Is it really true? Am I really being lazy or am I just taking care of myself and listening to what my body needs? I posted the question in a private Facebook group asking what they thought the difference was between being restful and being lazy. One person said that if being restful helps me live my best life, then it’s not being lazy at all. So that got me thinking, what is my BEST life? What does that look like and how do I go about setting it up? Everyone wants to live their best life and everyone’s best life looks totally different. But for me – what does that look like for me?

I think my best life is one where I’m happy and healthy and doing things I love to do with the people that I love the most. A life free from anxiety, where I can share my thoughts and feelings openly without keeping things bottled up or hidden inside. My best life is lived in the freedom to be who I was created to be, fully! Completely! Speaking my truth without the fear of what others might think, say or do.

My best life is one where I’m doing the right things for my health – body, mind and spirit. And yes, part of that is being restful. Treating my body with love and respect. Honouring it. My mind too! My mind needs regular rest, as much as my body does. Healthy nourishment as well. Not the junk food of social media all the time, but real, deep, meaningful conversations and books and meditations. And just as my body needs healthy, whole, safe foods, my mind and my spirit need to be fed with healthy, whole and safe things too!

Nourishment is the key to living my best life. I like that word – nourishment. But what does that look like, practically speaking? Perhaps it means being more mindful about filling my days and my life with the food and activities and people and things I love – things that make me feel whole, fulfilled, complete and happy. Reading, writing, music, getting outside in the fresh air, going for walks, grounding myself regularly and paying attention to how all these different things make me feel.

When something causes stress or anxiety (red flags), I need to pay closer attention to that and see if it’s something that needs to be removed, or if I just need to change how I’m handling it. I also need to pay attention to the stories that are running through my head. Am I ruminating on things that aren’t even true? I know I have a tendency to overthink – a lot! And it’s easy to get myself worked up about something that may not even be real. Living my best life means questioning these thoughts and not grasping on to every one that pops into my head. Like I did today when I felt like I was being lazy. Was I REALLY being lazy? Nah! I was just enjoying the quiet morning and taking a moment for myself.

Living my best life!

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Message to a Younger Me

To celebrate our 25^th anniversary a couple of days ago, after a lovely evening out, we decided to watch our wedding video. It was crazy to look back and see how young we were! The hair styles, clothing and decorations… a trip back in time, for sure!

As we watched, I kept staring into my eyes, trying to remember what I was thinking about back then. What was I feeling? Was I that much different than I am now? Twenty-five years of life experience must change the very soul of a person. We all grow and mature as we age, but something inside of me still feels like that young girl I saw on the TV screen.

Afterwards I started thinking – if I could go back in time and deliver a message to my 21-year-old self, what would I say? I’ve been pondering this for a couple of days now and two themes keep popping up:

LOVE: God loves you more than you can ever imagine! Even when you fail or mess up or question your faith or get it wrong, He still loves you. And you don’t have to DO anything to earn His love. He loves you as you are, in THIS moment. Now take that love and share it with those around you. Share your real, honest-to-goodness heart with them. Not what you think they want to hear, or what you think they want you to be but share what and who you really ARE! And you know what? It’s okay if you don’t know who that is yet. It’s okay if that person inside of you changes day to day. You’ll figure it out eventually if you let love lead you. You have so much love in your heart. You just need to let it out!

GRACE: Give yourself and those around you lots and lots…and lots of grace. Your husband, your children, your family, your friends, your church, your neighbors. No one is perfect. You don’t have to be a perfect Christian, a perfect wife, a perfect daughter, a perfect mother or a perfect friend. Go easy on yourself little one! I know you want to do your best and be the best at everything, but you’ll learn eventually that your best just won’t be good enough for some people. And that’s okay! Everyone sees the world differently. Your best can be good enough for you and it is good enough for God! Remember, He loves you more than you can ever imagine!

I don’t know if my younger self would have truly understood what I was saying. I was young, nervous, excited and eager to get married to the man that I loved – and still love to this day! The words likely would have flown in one ear and out the other. But today, these same words hit home with new meaning. Perhaps the lesson here is that I should tell my present self these same things and get her to listen – every single day! I know I need to take these lessons to heart and apply them to my life. Right here. Right now.

In this moment, I can love and be loved. And every single day I can offer grace to those around me.

That’s the kind of person I wanted her to be and that’s the kind of person I can now become. Not perfect, but someone full of love and grace. For myself and for others.

Alone Time

I wish it was easy to explain my need for solitude to people. It’s not. There is something in me that NEEDS to be alone for me to completely and fully recharge. And I don’t mean just going in another room and being by myself to watch TV or read for a bit. I mean completely, 100%, alone with zero interaction, zero responsibilities and as many walls or as much space as possible between me and ANY other human being (or pet) – for a few days.

I think I’m finally starting to understand this part of myself, and you may think it’s all just new-age-mumbo-jumbo-whatever. That’s okay. You’re free to believe what you want. I’m sure there’s science to back this up, but I’m not going to dig into all of the specifics of how this works right now. You know how to use Google as well as I do. If you’re interested, feel free to look it up. I know it’s real, because I’ve experienced it in my life and it affects everything I do.

Let me try to explain.

We are made of energy. We all give off energy and we all take energy from others. Some people give off positive energy and some give off negative energy and most days we live with a wild combination of both. Our energy can change depending on our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, how much pain we’re in or how excited we are about life.

Positive people I call givers.

Negative people I call takers.

Most of us can only be around takers for so long and then we must take a break and get away. They’re upset, hurt, angry and complaining all the time! The world is out to get them. At their worst they can, quite honestly, suck the life out of any room they’re in and they typically feed off the energy of everyone else in that room. You know the kind of person I’m talking about. We’ve all met them.

Givers, on the other hand, are the ones who lift the energy of the room. Everything seems to be brighter and life just seems better when they’re around. As soon as you see them, a smile spreads across your face. They are the encouragers, the ones that are always happy to see you! They are the grateful and continuously joyful people in your life. Deep down, I think we all want to be givers, don’t we? We want others to feel better when we’re around.

Well, for me, I feel others’ energy, (positive or negative) quite intensely at times, and constantly. I don’t know how to turn this off. The larger the crowd, the more I feel it. When the energy is positive, giving energy, this is fine. I can handle the crowd. For example, I love going to church and I love concerts! The energy is, for the most part, positive and uplifting and I feed off that. But when there’s an abundance of negative energy around, for example at shopping malls during Christmas season, I can’t be around that type of energy for more than a few minutes or it seriously affects me. It drags me down and wears me out, quickly.

The only way for me to get a break from this constant bombardment of energy is to be completely, 100% alone.

Separate.

Away from others, as far as I can get.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t love my family and friends and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be around people. I like people, for the most part, and maybe this is what I struggle with most. I feel that if I take time away, I’m abandoning them. I’m not there for them, to show them my love by taking care of them. I’ve learned that I show love to others by giving them my energy and when I do this for too long, or I allow others to continuously take from me without giving back, I’m left empty and depleted. Feeling like a worn-out rag. And it takes time and space, alone, for me to build that energy back up.

Why did I want to write about this today? Probably because I’m feeling a little worn out right now. This is what’s on my heart and has been bubbling to the surface of my mind lately. I haven’t had that sort of time and space to myself since Easter and honestly, I’m starting to feel the effects again. Yes, I’ve had vacations and weekends away camping and we’ve been doing lots of fun summer things. For most people, that would be enough of a break to get them back into the game with a refreshed outlook. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve appreciated these breaks, I’m grateful for them, but they don’t fill me the same way that alone time does. Typically, vacations are spent with people, travelling along-side or being around (sometimes hundreds of) other people at festivals, campgrounds, beaches, ect. They are fun times, for sure. But for me, it’s just not the same.

I need my alone time.

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Incomplete

What holds you back?

What prevents you from chasing that dream? From going to the next level? From truly sharing your heart with others?

For me, it’s a fear of failure.

I watched a video once, made by Will Smith, and in it he shared how the most successful people are comfortable with failure. Ugh! The entire time I was watching that I had a pit in my stomach and I could feel the anxiety welling within me. I wanted to scream, “NO!”

I have a deep-rooted fear of failure.

Don’t ask me to do something that I can’t complete or won’t succeed at. The very thought of it makes me ill.

I’ve been trying to figure out where this all started and while I do have a few early memories linked with it, the one memory that seems to be so closely tied with that gut-wrenching sense of failure was when I was in grade 2 or 3. I was making a lady bug picture out of yarn, from a kit, as a gift for my teacher. I was one line away from completing it and I ran out of yarn. I’m not sure why, but this devastated my little heart! I failed, and I felt like there was nothing I could do.

I never framed the picture. I never gave it to my teacher. I still have it!! I’ve kept it all these years in my treasure chest. Incomplete. I don’t know why I kept it, but every time I see it, it’s a reminder of my failure. I didn’t complete the task, I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I had this wonderful idea and was so excited about it, but I didn’t follow through. Inside my heart, I felt like I let my teacher down. To be honest, she probably had no idea I was making it and the only person I truly let down was myself.

And maybe that’s the key. I let myself down. I internalised this failure to the point where I was so disappointed in myself that I felt like I had lost value in the eyes of everyone else. Why would anyone love a failure like me? Boom! A LIE! But I believed the lie and it stuck with me all these years. I still remember the anxiety of not finishing that task, and now, I have the tendency approach every other task with the intent of completing it and doing my very best. Right now. Today.

Failure is NOT an option.

This became a huge problem for me earlier this year when I had taken on FAR too much at work. I couldn’t say “no” and I had to succeed at EVERY job I was given. I even took on jobs that I wasn’t asked to do! I just saw a gap and filled it. Well, that lasted about 5 months before I started having anxiety related chest pains and was breaking down emotionally on a daily basis. That’s when I finally started saying “no” and that’s when it was decided (by my doctors, my employers… and reluctantly, myself) that it would be best if I took some time off.

This, to me, felt like the ultimate failure.

My heart and spirit were completely crushed.

Fast forward a few months and after some big changes to my lifestyle, my self-talk and some assertiveness training, I’m doing better. I’m dealing with my fear of failure and I’m learning to leave tasks undone at the end of the day – and not stress about them. I can always pick them up again tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, the next day. I’m learning that those around me really do have my back and they still love me, even when I mess up.

Failure is not the end of the world.

I know I’m not a perfect person. No one is. I have no problem accepting failure from others and loving them unconditionally, and I’m now learning to love myself that same way. I may still be a little hesitant to take on tasks beyond my ability, but I’m starting to stretch myself. I want to learn, and to grow, and to dream without the fear of failure holding me back.

As Will Smith says in the video, “Fail early. Fail often. Fail forward.”

These words still don’t sit too comfortably with my mind or my gut, but I’m learning that success lies on the other side of failure, so I’m pushing through. Breathing through the fear. Trusting that I’ll be okay, no matter what happens.

I am NOT my failures.

I am complete. I am whole. I am loved.

New Year’s Resolution…in July?

July’s a great time to talk about New Year’s Resolutions, don’t you think?

I didn’t even make a resolution this year. Did you? How is it going?

December and January were difficult enough for me without the added pressure of trying to add a new goal or routine to my life, but over the past few days I’ve really been pondering one of the most life-changing resolutions I ever made.

It’s been at least 15 years now. We were living in Calgary at the time and I remember sitting in the parking lot one evening at the mall when the radio announcer started talking about his resolution to become a more positive person. The originality of the idea hit me. I mean, most people go for the same old, boring ideas of living healthier, stopping smoking, eating better foods, losing weight, exercising. You know… the stuff we never follow through on, really.

But this one was different, and I immediately felt challenged to do the same.

So, it started.

It wasn’t easy! Becoming a more positive person isn’t something that you can set a goal for or put it in your calendar, like working out. It’s something that permeates your entire life. It’s a literal change in mindset, 24/7. A renewing of the mind, you could say.

Not easy! But so worth it.

I’m sure that very night after I went home I had plenty of negative thoughts before bed. At that time in my life I was an angry person. Others may not have thought that, but inside that’s how I felt. I was just mad at the world, mad at life, mad at everyone, and looking back, I don’t really know why.

Over the course of the following weeks and months I started to catch negative thoughts as soon as they’d pop into my head and I resolved to turn them into positive ones. I’ll be honest, there were times that it just didn’t work. There were days when I didn’t feel like turning those thoughts around. I wanted to wallow in my negativity and self-pity and FEEL my anger. Trying to be positive in those moments felt like I wasn’t being honest with myself – and I didn’t want to live as a phony. I wanted to be REAL. Welcome to my pity party! Everyone’s invited!

Over time, and with practice, things changed and it became easier. One day at a time. One thought at a time. Eventually the change started happening naturally. Internally.

One of the best practices to come out of my resolution that year was my “Today I am thankful for…” posts on Facebook. At the end of every day I would look back and find one thing that I was thankful for and write it down. I started sharing them on FB and at times have been overwhelmed by the response from others. Everyone has something to be thankful for and hearing others’ gratitude magnifies my own. I still enjoy making these posts occasionally. I’ve found it’s a wonderful way to turn a tough day around and quite frankly it’s hard to wallow in negativity and self-pity when you start looking at life through the eyes of love and gratitude.

Am I the most positive person on the planet? Oh heavens, no! I still have bad days, (and that’s okay!) the good ones outnumber them now! Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but I am light years from where I was back then. I guess I was just at a point where I desperately wanted and needed the change, so I went for it. It was by far the best New Year’s resolution I ever made!

Since I didn’t make one this year, and it’s been on my mind lately, I think I’m going to jump on that one again and see if I can’t take it even further. Want to join me?

Writer’s Block

I had it all planned out. I’d get up early, enjoy some quiet time and then write. The experts all say if you have a goal in mind you have to set up the steps to achieve that goal, right? Getting up early wasn’t all that hard. I rarely use an alarm clock anymore. (one plus of being in your 40s!) I went through my routine, made a big mug of peppermint tea, put on my essential oils (more so the cats will leave me alone than anything) read for a bit, and then pulled out my tablet to write…

…and, nothing.

What do I write about? What’s been on my mind lately? Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how and why people worry, so maybe I could start there. I looked up the definition of worry:

1. To give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.

…hmmm, nothing. And everything. Oh boy, where do I even start with that one?

Then I started thinking about the difference between worry and discernment. Maybe I could write something about that? So I looked up the definition of discernment:

1. The ability to judge well.
2. Perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding.

What!? (brain cramp) I think these two ideas are related, but I’m not completely sure how. Thoughts and doubts bombarded me. “Maybe I’m not the best person to write about this.” “What is my mind trying to tell me?” “How am I going to get this done?” “I’ve only got so much time you know.”

Then I changed gears and started thinking about free will and how our lives are the sum of all of our thoughts and choices. Yeah, HUGE, I know! Welcome to my brain. How does one tackle something like that in 15 minutes? Uh, you don’t! But I tried, and I’m not happy with what I wrote. In the end I just decided to put the tablet away until later, feeling a little defeated.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to write – I enjoy writing. But this morning, I think I was trying WAY too hard. I was thinking too big and trying to force it. I was writing from my head and not my heart. When I write from my heart, the words just flow – like now. I don’t have to think so hard, I just let it spill. Come what may.

This morning’s early attempt wasn’t a complete waste however, because I learned something about myself. I learned that what I really want from this process is to let my heart speak, not my head. I also learned that I need to be more gentle with myself, especially at 6:30 in the morning.

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Long time, no see.

Has it really been almost five years? Yup.

Where did the time go?

What have I been up to?

After reading through a few of my past posts I realise how much I’ve changed. I’m a different person now than I was five years ago for sure!  A lot has happened – some good, and some not so good. I won’t go into details about all that right now, but I must admit that I’m feeling encouraged to fire up the blog again.

The writing bug is biting hard!

To be honest, I had to check my ‘About’ page and my ‘Who I Am’ page to see if the things I might share going forward would even fit into that realm anymore. And you know what? I think they will. Maybe in a different way than they originally did, but my overall purpose for this blog hasn’t changed. We’re all stumbling forward on this journey of life and every single one of us needs a little grace and love to walk it out, no matter what we’re going through. I hope to continue in that thread.

Writing helps me process. I’ve done a lot more of it offline the past few years and I think it’s time to kick that wall down. It’s time to be more honest and vulnerable. To share what’s on my heart. I’ve recently been encouraged by others who have done the same, so here I am. I’m ready.

Stay tuned…

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Shadows

As I sit here on the couch, blizzard raging outside, the light of a nearby candle draws me into its trance. The objects surrounding it bathe in its light and my gaze is drawn to the shadows dancing on the wall behind it. I notice the shadows are much larger than the objects themselves and a revelation hits me.

Shadows.

As small children, some of us feared shadows. Big, dark, scary ones moving in our windows or on our walls at night.  That was until grade school when we were taught the science behind them. An object blocking a light source will cause a shadow to form, the size of the shadow dependent upon the angle at which the light hits and its distance from the object. We all know that when the sun is setting towards the horizon, shadows lengthen and grow, but when directly overhead they’re almost non-existent.

My mind wanders to ‘what if…’  What if the problems in our life are merely shadows?  Shadows caused by issues attempting to block our access to the light of God and creating pictures in our mind that are much larger than what exists in reality.  And what if the size of the shadows were dependent upon the angle and distance at which we position God in our lives?

How many of us have faced problems, fearing the worst, creating images in our minds of what could be, only to find out, when facing it head on that it really wasn’t that bad after all.  I’m sure we’ve all experienced it.  I’m not saying that’s the case every time and yes, there are issues and problems that ARE that bad, but we need to admit that a lot of the time our minds are really good at picturing ‘worst-case-scenarios’.

~ “The Word was the source of life, and this life brought light to people.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out.” John 1:4-5 GNT ~

God is an eternal source of life and light. We have that light within us. Darkness cannot exist in the presence of light. Darkness is simply the absence of light and in the light of God’s Word and his presence, our problems can be seen for what they truly are, rather than the big, ugly shadows they create in our minds.

So do our problems just disappear when God comes in? Not at all! We will always have issues in life. How much they affect us, however, will depend on our focus and our trust in God to walk us through them.  Are we focusing on the shadows or are we focusing on Him?

Look Ma, no hands!

Remember when you were a kid and you did something you thought was so amazing? Maybe something scary like riding your bike without hanging on? At that moment you had overcome a fear and were proud of your accomplishment – you wanted to show off a little and shouted,“Look Ma, no hands!”  Well – I had one of those moments today and I’m excited to share!

First a bit of back story. Two years ago I had a wall built up in my mind. The thought of walking around Henderson Lake was something that I just couldn’t picture myself doing. That was something only fit people did and I wasn’t anywhere near that level. I had convinced myself that the journey around the lake (about 3K) would have taken at least an hour or more to complete and there was no way that I could do that! That was… until I did it! It only took 35 minutes and yeah, I was a little tired, but I was still alive! Imagine that?

Over the next few months I did it again and again – sometimes with friends or alone on a lunch hour – but before long I could do it in under 30 min and somehow the lake didn’t seem quite so big anymore. 

A year and a half ago, I started working out with my cousin and we started walking around the lake every morning – from her house. Now, this only added a few extra blocks, but at first it seemed like a lot to me.  Another wall had to come down in my mind.  Before long, we were adding in bit of running and each week we increased our intervals until we were making the trip from her house, around the lake and back in less than 35 min.

Almost a year ago, on my 40^th Birthday, I ran my first 5K race – and surprisingly enough, I nearly ran the whole time. I even shocked myself as I hadn’t run the entire course without walking until that very day. 5K seemed like a huge deal… until I did it. 

Well, today I broke through another wall in my mind. I walked from my house, to Henderson Lake, around the lake and back home again!  This isn’t just adding a few blocks – no, I live on the North side of the city (across the tracks) and I would guess we’re about 1.5K from the lake.  When you add it all up, the journey is right around 6K in total, but it seemed insurmountable to me… until I did it! Today! In one hour and ten minutes. I didn’t run any of it because I wasn’t really sure how long it was going to take and I didn’t want to wear myself out, but you bet I’m going to run next time. My goal is to get that time under an hour!

Now I’m sure this seems like nothing to those of you who run 10K or marathons all the time, but for me this is a big deal! I broke through a wall – I now KNOW I can do this and I’m ready to push on. Eventually, I have no doubt that 6K will seem like nothing – just a short distance. But for now – for me – it’s a big deal and I’m proud of my accomplishment!

So I have to ask, what walls have you built up in your mind? What are you facing today that seems impossible? I want to encourage you – press on! Believe in yourself and DO it! Don’t let fear hold you back. Don’t let your insecurities tie you down. Before long, you’ll be surprised at how easy it becomes.

One verse that I’ve used over and over throughout this journey is Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” When I feel weak and wanting to give up, I remember that verse and repeat it in my mind to help me through those tough times.  It reminds me to let go of MY inability and cling to HIS ability within me.  

Today I faced that wall of fear in my mind, painted with all the excuses of why I couldn’t do it and I screamed right back at it, “YES I CAN!” 

Words

There’s this thought that I’ve been mulling over for a few weeks now.  I’m not sure I’m 100% sold on the idea, but I thought I’d share it today and maybe get your thoughts.  The idea is this – that words only have as much power as we give them.  I mean… think about it…

Written words, in and of themselves, are nothing more than ink on a page, spoken words are nothing more than sound waves moving through the air and words typed on a screen are just pixels, bits and bytes, nothing more than electronic pulses.  Words are just that – words.  They ultimately hold no power unless we choose to respond or react to what was said or written.  The power therefore lies in our response, not in the words themselves.

For example, someone could write a hate-filled letter to me in Russian or Japanese and it wouldn’t affect me in the least.  The words, likely written in anger, have no control over me at all because I’m unable to interpret their meaning and therefore unable to respond.  The words create no reaction.  If those same words were written in English however, I would then understand the message and could choose to respond in a negative way.  I, therefore, am giving the words power through my reaction.

A different example of this same concept came up the other night when I was helping my son with his trumpet practice.  He struggled with wanting to get a particular piece perfect and I was trying to encourage him by saying he was doing a great job.  He refused to believe me, however.  He started complaining about how he was a sucky trumpet player and how he’d never get it right.  My words of encouragement were spoken, with the hopes of a positive response, but he chose to not accept them and instead believed something different.  In this case, my words had no power.

I suppose the reason I’ve been struggling with fully accepting this idea is because the Bible warns us that there is power in the tongue.  It has the ability to be used as a weapon or used for healing.  Words can reveal our hearts – they can expose us as fools or as those who are wise.  But I think what it’s really getting at are words spoken BY us not TO us.  We all need to guard our own tongues and be careful of the words we speak to others.  And when others speak harshly towards us, we need to be careful of our response.  Do we really want to give them power over us or would the wise thing be to simply walk away?  On the other hand, when someone brings words of grace, love, or encouragement, we should feel free to respond with gratitude and kindness.  Those are the types of words that should definitely be given more power in our lives!

So while there is power in the words that we speak – that power does not lie within the words themselves, rather, in the ability of those words to cause a reaction in the life of another – positively or negatively.  If there is no reaction – there is no power.

What do you think would happen in this world if we all decided to choose which words we would give power to and which words would no longer illicit any reaction from us?  Would your life be any different?  I know mine would and I’m challenged by this new idea. Then again – these are just words.  The power within them actually lies within you.